You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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