Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
