If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
being pregnant is like rehab
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
