Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
