life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
