If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
