My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
