it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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