I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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