you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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