I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
it's like iHOP with fire
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
