grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
