these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
