after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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