you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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