the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
