I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
