my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize