could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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