Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
