yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
