i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
