How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
