In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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