Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Four minutes until I can fart!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize