I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
