the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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