So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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