apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
