I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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