Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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