if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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