I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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