I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Hippo gnu deer
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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