And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize