I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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