Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
