He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize