put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
A bitchslap is in order.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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