I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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