i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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