I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
