I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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