there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
