Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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