If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
