There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
