turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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