shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
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