We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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