I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
