I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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