So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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