Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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