i think my tv is drunk
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
