saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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